THAT AWKWARD MOMENT when your realize THE DUDE'S Become A LADY!
Does anyone else remember when guys made pacts like this:
and NOT like this:
Ah yes; if it isn't 2014's St. Valentine's Day's masculinity massacre movie.
Here it is, submitted for your approval. I invite you to give this movie's publicity poster a once over; and then, a twice. While you examine it, please note that Miles Teller is clutching a teddy bear like a little girl afraid of the dark; Zac Efron looks about as confused as a college girl trying to figure out if the text message she got today from her latest crush asking, "What's up?" is as meaningful as the text message she got yesterday that asked, "How's it going?" and, Michael B. Jordan, in classic PMS stance, is spooning with a companion that will never leave him (or his hips for that matter), a pint of ice cream; probably chocolate flavored ( and no, here, that is not a racist pun).
Is it just me or has the unspoken, post-third wave feminist mission to fully emasculate men reached a whole new level; and by whole new level I don’t mean a state of absolute gender equality. What I’m getting at is that rather than forging a balance, the most manipulative move by the feminist movement yet has been put into action. Its strategy is not to seek an understanding and celebration of the conventional traits that define masculinity and femininity. No, quite to the contrary, the mission is to eradicate conventional masculine traits all together by firstly demonizing them; secondly destroying them; and thirdly, with a clever use of media priming, to replace them with the traits that define conventional femininity.
And so, may I proudly present for your reading and viewing pleasure
THE STEPFORD STRATEGY: A Three Point Guide on How to Create the Perfect Girly-Man
Step One: DEMONIZING
I had been noticing this trend for a while; first subtly with the introduction of blatantly bossy and controlling wife and mother figures ruling the sitcom world; some good examples are:
1) King of Queens: Carrie Heffernan (played by Leah Remini) is Doug's saucy and sharp-tongued wife. She has a tough attitude and is occasionally physically abusive to Doug. She has been characterized as scary particularly when she's upset. Carrie concludes that she is happier, since she describes herself as never being truly happy, when others are miserable. Lauded as the more perceptive and insightful of the couple, Carrie often pushes Doug to make more of himself and improve his morals, but she can be just as unscrupulous as he is. Although Carrie admonishes Doug for his inconsiderate behavior, she has proven herself to be even more inconsiderate at times, with little patience for others' problems or tolerance for their quirks. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_King_of_Queens )
2) Everybody Loves Raymond: Debra Barone (Patricia Heaton) is Raymond's wife. As a housewife, Debra claims she is frequently overworked, under-appreciated and stressed out, which leads to her constantly yelling, largely because she has to deal with all the housework and her three rambunctious children, but also because she must constantly put up with her mother-law's intrusiveness and criticism. On frequent occasions this frustration boils over and is vented, primarily towards Raymond.
3) Everybody Loves Raymond: Marie Barone (Doris Roberts) is Raymond's mother, the wife of Frank, and the matriarch of the Barone family. Intrusive, controlling, manipulative and over-nurturing (at least with Raymond), she is a housewife who excels in cooking, cleaning, and other things dealing with keeping a good home and family. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Everybody_Loves_Raymond)
Now let’s take a look at how their male counterparts are characterized:
1) King of Queens: Doug Heffernan (played by Kevin James) is an smart-aleck parcel delivery man who never hesitates to intensely protest his grievances. Some of his misadventures are fueled by his love of food. (Hmm, isn't it typically women who are controlled by their issues with food - at least in TV shows?) These basic desires sometimes cause him to think of strange, intricate schemes in order to get what he wants that usually fall through in the end, causing constant squabbles between Doug and Carrie. Doug's tendency to give in to his temptations, despite promising Carrie otherwise, is another common cause of disagreements. He generally enjoys the simple pleasures of watching sports and playing poker with his friends. [And as stated in the character summary of his wife Carrie, Doug is also a pushover of rather low intelligence.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_King_of_Queens )
2) Everybody Loves Raymond: Raymond "Ray" Barone (Ray Romano) is a sports writer for Newsday. He is emotionally unable to take any sort of stand on anything, especially if it brings him to any sort of conflict with his mother—the exception is when he protests about sex or some trivial matter. Raymond's mother favors him over Robert. [Note that Raymond's inability to assert himself isn't even addressed in terms of his wife; but one can assume from his overall characteristics and from watching the shows that Debra, while complaining about Ray’s “hands-off” approach to parenting and taking care of family responsibilities, actually prefers it. She likes to be the one in control and calling the shots because obviously, SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT!] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Everybody_Loves_Raymond)
Now keep in mind, I didn’t write these character summaries; they were written by fans and writers of the two (now retired) CBS sitcoms. What’s funny is, I HATED these two sitcoms when they were on the air. Sure, I've seen a few episodes of both and I'll admit there are definitely jokes and moments that make me laugh (sometimes a lot), but overall, the weak personalities of both Doug and Ray contrasted by the abrasive and controlling personalities of Carrie, Debra and Marie, always manage to annoy me. When people have asked me why I don't like these “Kings of Comedy” and "Sultans of the Sitcom," I simply say, “Maybe I'll like them when Doug and Ray grow a pair and all of their wives and mothers get medicated. If not that, maybe I'll like them if someone succeeds in extracting the rather large broomsticks those women have up their asses. Oh...those shows aren't on the air anymore, you say? Darn! Guess I’ll never like them!”
STEP TWO: DESTROYING
Now keep in mind, these sitcoms were on the air from about 1996 until 2007 with Everybody Loves Raymond lasting longer than King of Queens; so let’s jump ahead to a more modern sitcom that is still on the air.
So, with respect to sitcoms. has the male protagonist undergone testosterone therapy at all in the past ten or fifteen years? Ha! The answer is no - unless by testosterone therapy you mean the extraction of it directly from his ball-sac!
If you want an example of what media is pushing as the 30-something, new-aged, unmarried, sensitive man, look no further than the calligraphy writing; Italian poetry quoting; self-professed sommelier, “the man every woman should want to bring home to mom and dad,” let me introduce you to How I Met Your Mother’s forever pining (or do I mean whining), Ted Mosby. That's right, if you were wondering how an audience was going to suspend its disbelief and actually follow a man on his quest in the big city for true love, mystery solved: you make the man a woman. Well no, not exactly, you don’t give him boobs or anything (or back-boobs for that matter), but you do make him more effeminate than you would your classic male lead.
According to a fan/writer summary, “Ted is on a quest for happiness and "The One", the woman he will marry. [He is known for] preferring more elegant and high class interests than the ones his friends possess. He goes to great lengths to profess his love to the women in his life, but they all falter after a while. Despite these qualities, Ted often acts immaturely, such as partaking in wild activities with Barney. He is an avid Star Wars fan and is often heard quoting the films, [Ted also] frequently mentions his favorite poet, the Chilean, Pablo Neruda.” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_I_Met_Your_Mother)
So what am I getting at? Isn’t it obvious? When did men stop grunting like Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor and start wearing Scarlett O’Hara’s smelling salts around their necks in case their swooning and calligraphy writing made them tear-up and pass-out during a Best Man speech that they were giving? When did the post-third wave feminist agenda convince media that this weak; whiny; indecisive; overly sensitive; “my girlfriend just broke up with me so hand me a pint of Ben & Jerry ’ s while I cry over a song that reminds me of 500 Days of Summer comes on;” mama’s boy become the ideal version of what makes a man, man? For Christ’s sakes, Salt & Peppa’s song Whatta Man celebrated a man’s sensitive side without metaphorically castrating him! Check out a sample of the lyrics:
“My man gives real loving that's why I call him Killer
He's not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, he's a thriller.
He takes his time and does everything right.
Knocks me out with one shot for the rest of the night
He's a real smooth brother, never in a rush
And he gives me goose pimples with every single touch
Spends quality time with his kids when he can
Secure in his manhood cuz he's a real man
A lover and a fighter and he'll knock a knucker out
Don't take him for a sucker cuz that's not what he's about
Every time I need him, he always got my back
Never disrespectful cuz his mama taught him that.”
I’m not saying that men can’t have emotions and that they shouldn't have the right to express them, but guys today are coming across as well, to put it bluntly, pussies.
Since 1996 and 1998 when Everybody Loves Raymond and King of Queens premiered, male characters have been slowly stripped of their conventional masculine traits. Ray was a sports writer and Doug was a blue-collar worker who loved to watch sports and play poker; both however, were involuntarily emasculated by their bossy and controlling wives and mothers. On the other hand, the “new man” introduced in How I Met Your Mother which premiered in 2005, introduces us to Ted Mosby, a man who is terrible at sports and is solely focused on meeting “The One” through a series of antics that are on par with the behaviors of a love-sick, teen-aged girl. Behaviors such as keeping a dream journal and taking calligraphy lessons are consistently perceived by others as “possibly gay” and “kind of a girlish,” and, while I appreciate that because of Ted's rejection of the conventional masculine interests, How I Met Your Mother can rely on this gender role inversion for comedy; I can't help but notice that no one is forcing Ted to be the way that he is. Thank God there is no Carrie, Debra, or Marie present; I mean if there were, I'd probably hate the show. However, by eliminating the “dominant female” who once could be held responsible for emasculating the male protagonist, today's feminists can proudly state that their mission to reprogram masculinity has been so successful that men no longer need a controlling bitch - and I meant that in canine terms of course; you know, like a watchdog - breathing down their necks and nagging them into submission. Nope, not at all! Today a real man will now willingly “pickle his own penis;” no argument required.
Let’s think about Mosby some more. Isn't it clear that his emotional maturity is only further idealized through its juxtaposition to Barney Stinson’s overly masculine womanizing and emotional shallowness? How I Met Your Mother celebrates Ted as the hero; the guy every girl should want to marry; and the character we want to see rewarded for his ability to not only embrace, but to adopt what are typically believed to be more feminine traits and behaviors. Yes indeed, it is abundantly clear that the feminists have successfully gained control of masculinity not by redefining it, but by dominating and eradicating it completely. If art reflects life and media is an art, then masculinity in its classic form is pretty much on its last leg. Men are no longer men; they're just women with penii.
PHASE THREE: PRIMING AND REDEFINING
And that’s it! There it is. THAT is the awkward moment: realizing that in this day and age men are willingly cutting off their balls and putting them in mason jars. They then store them on top of the refrigerator until a woman sees fit to take 'em down, use 'em and then re-pickle 'em for another year.
It's not just the title of a 2014 Valentine’s Day movie. At least to me, “That Awkward Moment” is realizing that genders are no longer male/female, but “voluntarily female/biologically female.” While Ted Mosby held the title for most “female male” for nine seasons on How I Met Your Mother, I fear that Zac Efron, Miles Teller, and Michael B. Jordan, may be challenging him for the crown (The crown? No, the tiara? No the crown...no. Tiara. What? With all this gender confusion I just don’t know anymore!)
Keep in mind, I haven't actually seen the movie That Awkward Moment so all of my opinions are based solely on the trailer and what I have read about the movie; however, I'm not ashamed to say that when it premieres on cable in six months, I’ll probably watch it and I might even like it. (What? I think Zac Efron is HOT! Actually, I don’t think it; I know it! Zac Efron is HOT! Granted, I didn't see that movie The Lucky One that he was in because It was based on a book by Nicholas Sparks. Let's just say that from past experiences with movies based on Nicholas Sparks novels, I know that they are a bit too schmaltzy for my taste. That being said, in the trailers for The Lucky One , ZAC EFRON LOOKED HOT!)
But now back to the point. You now know that I think Zac Efron is hot which is why when I am watching a trailer before Anchorman 2 and I see Zac Efron, I PAY ATTENTION! (Side note, if you haven't seen it yet, GO SEE ANCHORMAN 2 ! It's a movie where (Thank God), men are men and even if their 1970’s/80’s machismo is mocked, at least it exists...and its hilarious!) Sadly, though, even Zac Efron’s hotness was not enough to distract me the terror that is the RED BAND trailer for the movie That Awkward Moment ; and if I had to suffer through it, now so do you!
I consider myself to be in a position of a little bit of authority on what guy’s are like when they hang out together. Why; because 90% of my close friends are guys and trust me, we have the type of relationships where farting, burping, explicit sexual innuendo, and blatant questions about oral sex are completely uninhibited. With that sort of open forum, if waterworks were to be had, I’d have been drowning in a metaphoric version of every heartbroken guy’s personal Niagara Falls by now. But, as we all can tell, I seem to be sans flotation device on solid ground – no stumbles into any of their “cry me a river” her! And Thank God for that because If it isn't completely obvious by now, I am not a fan of PDE: Public Displays of Emotion from either sex...but from especially guys.
Anyway, I've been a party to exactly the kind of conversations that go on between guys during their late afternoon beer breaks on a hot summer day, and while woman are certainly a “part” of the conversation, the inquisition of “why” a relationship didn't work out certainly doesn’t include ingesting the quintessentially female comfort combo of peanut butter and chocolate. I have never seen ANY of my close guy friends, nor have I ever heard of any of my close guy friends attest to pigging out on Ben & Jerry’s because their girlfriend broke up with them. I've heard of them drinking a lot; I've even witnessed it, too. I've also heard of and witnessed the generally acceptable post break-up hook-up (aka. a palate cleanser). But in no way is it in the prescribed male emotional response to turn to sad-songs and ice cream during a relationship’s demise. Seriously, I’m with Emma Thompson here in Love Actually when Liam Neeson is weeping and she says to him, “Get a grip, people hate sissies. No-one's ever gonna shag you if you cry all the time.”
So, please guys, for the love of God, grab a hold of your sacs; reattach them; and never, let me repeat, NEVER EVER, do what Zac Efron does in this movie trailer which is make a reference to a Bridget Jones movie that implies he’s not only seen the movie, but he knows it well enough to use her personality as a character insult projected towards his best friend. Swear to yourself and to the rest of the women left out there who want their men with their penises firmly attached to their men’s body’s (yes, we may be a dying breed, but we do exist), that you will never, ever watch a chick flick unless you have lost a bet with your girlfriend or you believe that watching a sparkling vampire is going to get you “super laid!”
If for some reason you mistake your friend’s self-tanner for lotion and you put it all over your body, you will not exit the bathroom towel-clad, only to show your two male friends that your junk has indeed turned orange because of it.
And most of all, you will not sit in public with only one other man; admit without flinching that Jerry Maguire is a movie that you love; proceed to quote any other line besides “Show Me the Money” from said movie; listen to your friend compare his possible girlfriend’s eyelids to butterflies; and then compel him to, like in all those CHICK FLICKS, run down the street and proclaim his love Dobbler-style in Say Anything ...but without the oversized boom-box.
If you do any of these things, may God have Mercy on your soul while you are beaten Tarantino-style to the ironic tune of Peter Gabriel’s In Your Eyes.
STEP FOUR: Possible Deprogramming and Reprogramming
If any men read this and at all fear that what I have written may have a kernel of truth in it, may I suggest taking a cue from the man who accidentally used his wife's "lady parts" soap.
GOOD LUCK! AND MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOR!